part of my world
Thursday, September 21, 2006
I am never or hardly a risk taker.
But no matter how I tried to balance and weigh everything from its pros and cons, somehow I realised that we can never escape taking risks. Life itself is full of uncertainty. Therefore, not all problems or issues can be decided by weighing which is better and which is worst.
Sometimes, the crossroad itself is foggy. We cannot decide which path leads to the greens and which to the sand. The path that leads to the left or to the right. Which is good and which is bad. Which is better and which is worst. Which would you prefer? A lush green pasture or a sandy bay? Fields of petunias or seashells and sandcastles? Which is better? How would you know?
Yes, we can anticipate and imagine what the outcome would be if we made a choice of petunias instead of sandcastles or vice versa but how accurate are our anticipation and imagination? In present, we can only let our mind wander and picture creatively the outcome of our choices but what it eventually turns out to be could deviate. There is no standard equation to the outcome like in maths,
1 + 1 = 2
or
10 - 4 = 6
In life, 1+1 could equal to 11 or 47567 or 9465384. It could be anything. And yeah, it could by 1:7864343243 chances still be equal to 2.
Logic helps a little but it sits mostly in the sidelines.
I used to think that with logic, you can always decide which path to take when you meet a crossroad. I realised that logic is not effective anymore because I do not know which path is better. Would I prefer a green pasture or perhaps white fine sand? Which will suit me more?
It's rather funny that I am asking that because I really don't know which. Sounds like I hardly know myself now.
Both no doubt has its pros and cons but which bad is BAD and which good is really good?
What I would normally tell people and myself is that in the end of the day, the choice would be the one that makes you most happy and after making that choice, there should never be any regrets shall you look back one day. I know that. But the thing is I don't know which makes me happier. How would you know what the path would offer when you have not traveled it? How do you decide when both paths are equally foggy. It couldn't even offer a slightest clue of how it would look like.
This is where you have to reluctantly give up your logical senses and TAKE RISKS. Bear all the consequences of your choice. Good or bad. Reap the fruit and drink in the sorrow.
I don't like this. The choice is based on some intangible reasoning without knowing the outcome. It's not substanstial and is basically like trying to grasp the wind.
Lord, which path is worth the risk?
posted by Charis at 12:04:00 am
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Saturday, September 16, 2006
Really.. it irritates the crap outta me when people who doesn't know art, doesn't know how to appreciate art thinks it's funny.
Was in the cinema today watching.. bizzarely... a Chinese film, The Banquet. Friend said the cinematography is breathtaking and judging from the poster, it does look attractive. I am a sucker for films set in ancient times. Plus, there's Zhang Ziyi and Daniel Wu. Ha..
Amazingly, we managed to get tickets.. on a phreaking Saturday without booking!
Indeed, the movie was simply beautiful. Artsy. I wouldn't mind watching it again. It's beautiful.
What irritated the crap outta me is that when you are relating or feeling the emotion the movie is trying to express.. someone or rather a group of Cina Ah Bengs started laughing. It's not even funny. I was puzzled.. There the whole cinema was sympathizing with the character and they laughed.. thinking it was a punch line or meant to be one.
Oi! Spoil mood only la.
The actress was speaking poetically and they.. laughed....
What is so funny??
Did they get their fragments of brains screwed up properly into a single piece this morning?
If you don't understand what the story/actor is trying to portray, at least please.. don't laugh so heartily and LOUD when no one is! Feel like throwing popcorns at whoever it is. Or even my shoe!
Urgh!
Sometimes when a person is trying to emote through art, people find it funny/hilarious. It disturbs me.
It's not a crime not knowing how to appreciate art. I frankly do not know how to appreciate it fully too but at least respect it la.
It IS then a crime when you don't respect it!
There, the person is trying to express and you laugh at them?!?
A person is trying to express sadness.. through a poem, perhaps, or a dance movement, or a song, or a mime and you laugh at them?!?
Being sad is funny isit? Being emotional is funny isit?
What kind of person are you?
You insensitive whale.
To those who laughed at artistic expressions.. let's enlighten you on Law 888 of how not to be a buffon.
You only laugh when it is a comedy! You know, when the show has Jim Carey or in it and it has a REAL punch line. Other then that, you don't laugh. If you don't know what expression to put on or how to react, just be very quiet and we might think you don't exist. We'll appreciate it greatly. If not, just be a copycat and follow the majority.. they are probably right.
I just think that because you find it difficult to express it out yourself while others can and do, with passion, you find it absurdly ackward and weird but that doesn't give you a right to laugh at that person for expressing his emotions. It takes a lot guts to express and more, if through art. It bares a person's vulnerability and not everyone can do that. Therefore, to those who can, we should respect them somehow.. and the first thing is by NOT LAUGHING at what they are doing or trying to do.
Grow a heart!
posted by Charis at 7:25:00 pm
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Sunday, September 10, 2006
It's been a week since.
Work was fine.
In TDM now and will be for a month or so.
Was panicky initially as I do not remember any of the calculations at all and all those pharmacokinetics gibberish. Then I found out I have to run the samples too! My clerkship at HKL didn't prepare me for that. I thought they would be run by a separate lab with technicians like what is happening at HKL. So that's not the case here. Then that's where the very much disliked subject like Pharmaceutical Analysis which I skipped through most of the lesson becomes so darn useful. Now.. only now.. I understand why the uni made us learn subjects like that and throw us into the labs for hours to fiddle with machines that could very well buy you a bungalow. So that we would know how to use those microliter pippettes (which I had tremendous fun ejecting the used components) and know what a centrifudge machine looks like. And most importantly, press the correct buttons!
Thank goodness for the senior who is very helpful and willing to teach me step by step. Got the hang of it and it is fun I must say. I remembered telling my classmates back then during the final year first sem that I don't mind being a TDM pharmacist and here I am.. my first rotation in TDM =) Did I say it was fun? Haha.
The scary part was writing the doctors love messages suggesting to withold dose and all and getting my name signed there. They will come hunting for you if a patient dies of nephrotoxicity from gentamicin *shudders*
The amazing and exciting part is that everyone there was telling me that there's a reason why I was posted to that department first. Since most of the PRPs are finishing their training in a months time, I would then be routed into the on-call duties since I would have finished my TDM rotation by then.. and supposedly well trained enough to come to the lab in the wee hours in the morning to run samples of paracetamol and salicylates toxicity. Let's just hope that when it's my turn, no one decides to kill themselves with 500 Panadol®. Use other methods yeah..
Ironically for a person who is afraid of blood, in her very first rotation, she is handling blood samples and surprisingly, she didn't feel nausea or anything. Guess I could handle blood samples.. in a few mililitres. Haha.
But it wasn't all fun to handle these samples when the diagnosis is RVD or something like that. I have to be really really careful. No open wounds.
Realised that the clerkships that we had during our final year was really really valuable. It did give me an idea of what to expect in each department and the little ability to decipher those medical jargons and THOSE handwritings.. I tell you, I could write better with my left hand! So who said that what you learn in class is not applicable to the working world? It does apply.. a whole lot too! Really thankful now to Ms Hong for that TDM clerkship. She thought us exactly what we will encounter now.
Will need to study up pharmacokinetics this weekend before I kill anymore people.
Anyway, that was work.
Last Monday, SK invited us over for dinner. I was astonished as I only met her the day before. She was really nice. Insist that I come over and my friends are invited too. Said she wanted to cook us some home-cooked meal since we are deprived of that or even proper food over there. She came all the way to pick us up at our place and drove us to her very very lovely home. I didn't expect that area to have such nice houses! Hehe.
She cooked us a feast! A whole three course meal! We had garlic bread and cream of mushroom for starter. Then seafood spaghetti for the main course. Fruits and sparkling juice for dessert. My oh my.. and she served such a big serving that all of us could not finish.
Was really touched by her hospitality. It kinda changed my stigmatised mind from 'that town is hopelessly gone case' to 'not exactly gone case yet'. This reminds me of Joshua 1:5. Wherever God sends you, He already has it all planed out for you. So I kinda quit questioning already.. just submit and let Him worry for me. He didn't promise a bed of roses nor life without hills and mountains, but He did promise to be there with me all the way...
Thank you all for your prayers and concern. I'm fine.
To all who are constantly checking on me to see this city girl through the week, it means a lot over there. Thanks!
~*~*~*~*~
And dear PS made mashed potatoes! Wohooo! I have dinner!! I'm so blessed. The moon was lovely that night, woman!
posted by Charis at 12:50:00 am
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Sunday, September 03, 2006
I am home for the weekend! Phew!
It was crazy man.. running all around Pahang the whole day.
I have much to say but at this time, I have not packed yet for my exodus (which is the reason why I am back home for the weekend). So I should keep this short this time and hopefully I get to blog the whole entire
Was posted to somewhere I refused to believe that there was a possibility to be actually posted to. I did not land in where I wanted, wished and dreamed. So I had a culture shock, depression for 2 days (but I am better now.. God is beginning to show me 'why' already), spend a whole lot of money so that I can work for them, mad rush for a place to stay, and appreciate good ol KL... my home and all that I have in KL all these years
Sorry that this is a half-baked post. Just wanted to put up something when the emotions are still raw. Okay, I gotta pack.
~*~*~*~*~*
Thanks Cheryl for being an angel. You are certainly the bestest friend anyone can ask for. I am deeply touched. I thank God for sending you to me.. Love ya loads!
posted by Charis at 2:10:00 am
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